you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
