Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
