I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
