I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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