yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
