Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
