this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
