do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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