i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
