If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
