I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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