lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
