So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
