How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I fill condoms, not promises.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
