So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
