I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
