Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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