my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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