apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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