I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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