Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
