no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
