Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
