i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize