A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
