Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
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I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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