I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
