oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
