She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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