Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
