At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
