I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
