she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
