She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
