based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
ttyl tear gas
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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