Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
home. puking in laundry basket.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize