Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
