How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
