Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
