I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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