You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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