apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
