Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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