Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
