I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
