I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
