I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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