my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
