i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
