so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
