I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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