Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
