he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
